It's been a really long time since I have done a new post. It's weird to be back on. I am not really sure why! I have had so many thoughts and emotions that I should have been blogging. Oh well, I guess. Anyway, so lots of things have happened since the last time I wrote. Let's see, I moved back in with my dad cause I can't afford to be on my own anymore. That really sucks. I have always loved my independence and now it it pretty much gone. On so many levels I just feel like a failure and I feel like success isn't coming anytime soon. I have failed and I hate failing and I know everyone hates to fail, so I am not the only one, but I failed for two people. I know the other person is an adult and everything, but if I had my act together we would still be in the apartment and not struggling as bad. I feel like I failed her especially when failing wasn't an option. Like I said I know she is an adult and she can find her way where ever and I don't have to feel responsible for her in anyway, but I feel like I was able to be a place where she can rest a while and not have to worry about where to go or what to do next. Make her feel like she has a good home and a good family foundation. I just let all that fall apart and it is all my fault and I accept responsibility for it. Anyway, I know she is going to be GREAT and all things are going to work out for her and all this struggle is going to be an awesome testimony for her. She is too awesome of a woman of God not have that victory! So, coming back home I think has shown my family that they are right, I can't take care of myself. Don't get me wrong they love me and they are a great support system and were really there for me for the move and everything. I just think they look at me the way they used to when I was way younger. It seems like I know nothing all over again and I am like 10 again. It's not cool, but I guess I must endure.
You know what else makes me feel like I fail at life. Getting made fun of for everything I say or do. Just because I don't like something, it doesn't mean it's wrong or anything like that. I do things somewhat different from other people, but that is what makes me an individual. Just because I do it differently than you doesn't mean that your way is better than my way. It doesn't make you more of a person or better of a person. I deal with things differently I process things in my own way. I don't know why, but you don't have to try and make me feel like it's a bad thing or I am a bad person. Why isn't what I say or do good enough? Is it that they look down at me cause I am not like them, so I am not as knowledgeable, so in turn what I have to say or do means less?! Who knows, I could just be sensitive at the same time. I don't find myself to be all that sensitive, but maybe I am. Maybe it's one more thing I need to work on.
Failing sucks!!! I hate that I am such a failure that no one wants to hire me. It's been almost 2 years now and nothing. You know I am a hard worker. I throw myself into my work. Ask anyone who truly knows me and they will tell you I tend to work all the time when I had a job. I would work 24/7 and love every minute. I work on my vacations, it's who I am. So of course I don't let lack of a paying job to stop me from immersing myself in some type of work. So what better work than God's work. So here I go again, jumping and staying in and getting things done and loving it cause I have a passion for what I do for the Lord. He gave me that passion and I love it and I want to do it as long as He wants me to. I spend every moment I can cause I have a responsibility to what I do and I know that my team needs a break and I need to build a team that can be so dedicated that I don't have to be there as much and I know it will come. It takes a while for that and I am trying to be patient for it! I love my team and I love what we do together cause I can't do it without them. They are the bomb!!! I love to serve and I will always serve, but I also know that it may be time for a break soon. It does get a little tiring when all the work really goes on the same people all the time. We need more people to step it up to release us to do other things. Maybe me feeling this way is another moment of failure, I am not sure, but I really don't feel like claiming that. I just need that job I am suppose to have full time, benefits knows the importance of a good work/life balance. It just seems like it's not going to to happen.
There is a great eye dr. place that I think I could like but it's part time, saturdays, no benefits. Am I being to picky? I am being to arrogant? What am I doing so wrong that I can't get the job I want. I wish I knew the answers. I wish I could figure it out.
Quick side note: How do I have almost 8,000 songs and I can't find a single good one right now...lol!
Back to failing....
Well I am failing so much now a days that I can't make a relationship work. I try to be a great girlfriend, friend, daughter and sister, but apparently I am not. Let me start with the girlfriend. Not that I was planning on marrying the kid or anything, but being broken up with via text I might add kinda sucks. I try and be there when he really needed someone to support and just be there and I know I was, there is no doubt about that. When it's my turn it didn't quite happen that way. It was easier to wimp out and say don't let this get you down. The sad part of all of this is I actually miss the guy. I am not sure why. Even when we were together I felt just as alone as I feel at this moment. He clearly has some growing to do and experience on how to be a boyfriend to someone, but I gave a chance not once, but twice and shame on me for the second time. I knew it would happen in my head, but I still went against my gut and said let's try this again. Well there is no third time here. I can't do that to me and he doesn't deserve it. I wish him the best of course and I pray that he finds that one girl for him and he learns how to treat her right and not let her go. It does seem like he is getting comfortable with me again and I don't think I am ready for that comfort level yet. It still hurts to see him at times and I am finally getting some distance from him. It's my processing time and not wanting to choke him time.
Ok, so now to the daughter/sister role. I just suck all around. I never see my family and they don't like it. I am apparently too busy with my volunteer stuff to really be with them. They just don't get it. They don't get that throwing myself into that "job" is the only true thing keeping me sane. However, when they need me I am there. I do the tuition thing, book thing. Taking people to dr's and such, but I am still failing at being a daughter/sister. What can a girl do?!
Now I am failing as a friend, well at least that is what people are telling me and yet again they are not quite understanding what my family is not understanding as well. I know I can make time for people, but it's hard for me at this moment and time. I deal with things on my own and when I know that you are not really going to understand what I am going through, I just don't bother telling you cause there is not point cause all you will do is try and argue with me. There are some I can't trust anymore cause they have burned me so many times before and I try to learn from those burns. Others are really great and I love them so much that me being such a debbie downer isn't conducive to a great friendship, so I keep my distance until I know I won't be such a downer. I know misery loves company, but it's not fair to bring them down and I would rather be alone in my misery. I can't help it if I am "mean" at times. I try not to be mean, but I guess it happens cause I may not sugar coat something you didn't want to hear in the first place. To be a good friend, sometimes you have to say things that your friends may not like or want to hear, but they deserve the truth. I can only be sensitive for so long to your emotional needs. If you are going to always want me to tell you what you want to hear, then I am not the one for you. Find another friend who will do that. I am sorry I can't always make the stuff you invite me to, but trust me when I say I really do try to make events and just fun hang outs, but it's hard when there is tons of stuff that needs to get done. I am always going to be there for you when you need me and I have proven that time and time again. When the time is right I will be back around more often, just give me some time and if you can't that is ok too. I will totally understand.
Well I guess I am done with all my failing rants, I am sure there is tons more to say, but I am too tired to think of them. I hope I have not brought you down too much. If I did, my bad....
