You know I don't really consider myself a needy person or a person who really asks for too much and if you are reading this and I am wrong, please feel free to let me know. I am generally down for the cause and ready to ride or die for my people and I know that my peeps would do the same. There is just one that I am pretty sure isn't down for this cause. Like I said I will do whatever, but it sure seems like you are not willing to do the same thing. If it seems a little inconvenient for you, then its a no go, but its ok if it inconveniences me. When I suggest something to you its always a no cause it seems like to much hard work. Who knew I was the only one who is suppose to do all the hard work. Don't get me wrong there are small times you actually seem concerned but that is really rare!!!

I feel like such an idiot for pushing myself for you and it only concerns you if it effects you in some way. If it doesn't, then OH WELL.  I know you care for me, but your actions are saying something that is different. You think I am frustrated at you and no I am not, I am frustrated at myself. I am frustrated because I could really use you right now to be there for me and understand what I am going through at this moment, but I know you can't be there for me like that. I just don't think you really know how to or really know how to navigate. Maybe that is my fault, but I could really use you to really try.

You know I think it's just me and I know better and I know who I can count on and I don't know why I am fixated on you being there. So, I am giving up. I will go to my regular "family" and soulmate! I know they are there. I am no longer going to push myself to the point of breaking. It is over!

Good News Wednesday

Well I have to say after a couple of days of bad news, it was nice to have a day of good news. First, my dear friend had his very first chicago theatre audition!!! I was able to help out a little bit on getting him prepared for the role!! I know he totally got it!!! 2nd I got a call for a possible HR job!!! It is about time. It would start out as part time and if they like me and I am a good fit, I would move into full time!!! How exciting!!! Maybe there is hope for me yet!!!

Working Title

I am not quite sure what to really name this blog. I figure as I type this blog I will figure out the name.

So it is a new year and I am still in the same boat as the last year. The new part of the year is that my car was broke and down a few days and I missed it. I had to rent a car and that wasn't fun at all, even though it was a cool car. I missed Aux jack which I know it is not important in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, it just seems like here we go again. The stuff another year. I know it is suppose to get better, but it just seems like things are getting not so good and continue to be on the bad side. I would really like the good stuff to start happening. I am not sure how much longer I can go like this. This is not fun and I really need things to start changing for the better. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Is it something I am not doing? I feel like I am not good enough anymore. I feel like the reason no one will hire me is because I am not a good employee or they think I am not a good person. I am to the point that I just pretty much suck at everything. Shoot I am 32 and I am back home with the parents with no sign of moving out anytime soon. I feel like such a bad person. I feel like a mooch. Then of course I am getting the same stuff being said about me by my own family.  I am a hard worker and when I am working on something, I put my all into it. I guess that doesn't matter anymore. I guess all my hard work and putting all my energy into things doesn't mean anything. I am not sure what I am really good for anymore. It just seems like I am just a loser. Maybe that is exactly what it is. Call me Loser from now on. That sounds pretty darn accurate. Well that is all I think I can say. Sorry to be such a debbie downer if you read this.

Trying to Hold On

Hello again,

It has been a couple of months since my last post. I have not been able to really blog cause I have been pretty busy, but I have been writing. Nothing has really changed since the last time I have blogged. I am still unemployed, however now it seems like I am losing everything. I have no income coming in and now my phone is off, insurance needs to be paid and the storage unit of course. I wish I had my phone back cause I like to stay in communication with my prop team and it's so hard without a phone. I would like to be able to keep my insurance and all that jazz. I feel like I am hanging on by a thread and that thread is about to break. I know that sound bad and down, but I am not down or sad. I have hope that things will change and I believe there is something great out there for me.

I went to morning prayer today and it was the breakfast and it was nice after the little drama that went down. I got a gift from a woman who has been praying for me all year. I really appreciate it and I know her prayers has kept me going.  I also saw a new agency this week and the guy thinks I can be placed rather quickly. I am happy about that. My skills are above average and that is awesome. That has boosted my confidence up a little. After all of this I still wonder where is my miracle. I can really use one right now. I keep wondering if it is me that is stopping it. I need stuff paid for and I know God can do all things and I see all these people with their miracles and I am really happy for them. I know my God is no respector of man, so what He has done for someone else can be done for me.  I love my God and I trust Him. I am trying to be patient because His timing is perfect. I just need some stuff to start happening soon cause that thread is really coming apart.

So today (Sunday) a friend got some good new on his health. He was not happy yesterday cause the Dr. gave him some bad news, but I tried to encourage him and remind him that NOTHING is bigger than our God!! Then today the Dr. called and said they made a mistake on reading the results, so it was better than what they said. It made me so happy to hear that cause God is so good. It was a little glimpse of hope for me. I know God is going to do that miracle for me. It is a taylor made Miracle for me!!! I can't wait for it. I hope tomorrow is the day!!!

Failure in Progess

It's been a really long time since I have done a new post. It's weird to be back on. I am not really sure why! I have had so many thoughts and emotions that I should have been blogging. Oh well, I guess. Anyway, so lots of things have happened since the last time I wrote. Let's see, I moved back in with my dad cause I can't afford to be on my own anymore. That really sucks. I have always loved my independence and now it it pretty much gone. On so many levels I just feel like a failure and I feel like success isn't coming anytime soon. I have failed and I hate failing and I know everyone hates to fail, so I am not the only one, but I failed for two people. I know the other person is an adult and everything, but if I had my act together we would still be in the apartment and not struggling as bad. I feel like I failed her especially when failing wasn't an option. Like I said I know she is an adult and she can find her way where ever and I don't have to feel responsible for her in anyway, but I feel like I was able to be a place where she can rest a while and not have to worry about where to go or what to do next. Make her feel like she has a good home and a good family foundation. I just let all that fall apart and it is all my fault and I accept responsibility for it. Anyway, I know she is going to be GREAT and all things are going to work out for her and all this struggle is going to be an awesome testimony for her. She is too awesome of a woman of God not have that victory!  So, coming back home I think has shown my family that they are right, I can't take care of myself. Don't get me wrong they love me and they are a great support system and were really there for me for the move and everything. I just think they look at me the way they used to when I was way younger. It seems like I know nothing all over again and I am like 10 again. It's not cool, but I guess I must endure.

You know what else makes me feel like I fail at life. Getting made fun of for everything I say or do. Just because I don't like something, it doesn't mean it's wrong or anything like that. I do things somewhat different from other people, but that is what makes me an individual. Just because I do it differently than you doesn't mean that your way is better than my way. It doesn't make you more of a person or better of a person. I deal with things differently I process things in my own way. I don't know why, but you don't have to try and make me feel like it's a bad thing or I am a bad person. Why isn't what I say or do good enough? Is it that they look down at me cause I am not like them, so I am not as knowledgeable, so in turn what I have to say or do means less?! Who knows, I could just be sensitive at the same time. I don't find myself to be all that sensitive, but maybe I am. Maybe it's one more thing I need to work on.

Failing sucks!!! I hate that I am such a failure that no one wants to hire me. It's been almost 2 years now and nothing. You know I am a hard worker. I throw myself into my work. Ask anyone who truly knows me and they will tell you I tend to work all the time when I had a job. I would work 24/7 and love every minute. I work on my vacations, it's who I am. So of course I don't let lack of a paying job to stop me from immersing myself in some type of work. So what better work than God's work. So here I go again, jumping and staying in and getting things done and loving it cause I have a passion for what I do for the Lord. He gave me that passion and I love it and I want to do it as long as He wants me to. I spend every moment I can cause I have a responsibility to what I do and I know that my team needs a break and I need to build a team that can be so dedicated that I don't have to be there as much and I know it will come. It takes a while for that and I am trying to be patient for it! I love my team and I love what we do together cause I can't do it without them. They are the bomb!!! I love to serve and I will always serve, but I also know that it may be time for a break soon. It does get a little tiring when all the work really goes on the same people all the time. We need more people to step it up to release us to do other things. Maybe me feeling this way is another moment of failure, I am not sure, but I really don't feel like claiming that.  I just need that job I am suppose to have full time, benefits knows the importance of a good work/life balance. It just seems like it's not going to to happen.
There is a great eye dr. place that I think I could like but it's part time, saturdays, no benefits. Am I being to picky? I am being to arrogant? What am I doing so wrong that I can't get the job I want. I wish I knew the answers. I wish I could figure it out.

Quick side note: How do I have almost 8,000 songs and I can't find a single good one right now...lol!

Back to failing....

Well I am failing so much now a days that I can't make a relationship work. I try to be a great girlfriend, friend, daughter and sister, but apparently I am not. Let me start with the girlfriend. Not that I was planning on marrying the kid  or anything, but being broken up with via text I might add kinda sucks. I try and be there when he really needed someone to support and just be there and I know I was, there is no doubt about that. When it's my turn it didn't quite happen that way. It was easier to wimp out and say don't let this get you down. The sad part of all of this is I actually miss the guy. I am not sure why. Even when we were together I felt just as alone as I feel at this moment. He clearly has some growing to do and experience on how to be a  boyfriend to someone, but I gave a chance not once, but twice and shame on me for the second time. I knew it would happen in my head, but I still went against my gut and said let's try this again. Well there is no third time here. I can't do that to me and  he doesn't deserve it.  I wish him the best of course and I pray that he finds that one girl for him and he learns how to treat her right and not let her go.  It does seem like he is getting comfortable with me again and I don't think I am ready for that comfort level yet. It still hurts to see him at times and I am finally getting some distance from him. It's my processing time and not wanting to choke him time.

Ok, so now to the daughter/sister role. I just suck all around. I never see my family and they don't like it. I am apparently too busy with my volunteer stuff to really be with them. They just don't get it. They don't get that throwing myself into that "job" is the only true thing keeping me sane. However, when they need me I am there. I do the tuition thing, book thing. Taking people to dr's and such, but I am still failing at being a daughter/sister. What can a girl do?!

Now I am failing as a friend, well at least that is what people are telling me and yet again they are not quite understanding what my family is not understanding as well. I know I can make time for people, but it's hard for me at this moment and time. I deal with things on my own and when I know that you are not really going to understand what I am going through, I just don't bother telling you cause there is not point cause all you will do is try and argue with me. There are some I can't trust anymore cause they have burned me so many times before and I try to learn from those burns. Others are really great and I love them so much that me being such a debbie downer isn't conducive to a great friendship, so I keep my distance until I know I won't be such a downer. I know misery loves company, but it's not fair to bring them down and I would rather be alone in my misery.  I can't help it if I am "mean" at times. I try not to be mean, but I guess it happens cause I may not sugar coat something you didn't want to hear in the first place. To be a good friend, sometimes you have to say things that your friends may not like or want to hear, but they deserve the truth. I can only be sensitive for so long to your emotional needs. If you are going to always want me to tell you what you want to hear, then I am not the one for you. Find another friend who will do that. I am sorry I can't always make the stuff you invite me to, but trust me when I say I really do try to make events and just fun hang outs, but it's hard when there is tons of stuff that needs to get done. I am always going to be there for you when you need me and I have proven that time and time again. When the time is right I will be back around more often, just give me some time and if you can't that is ok too. I will totally understand.

Well I guess I am done with all my failing rants, I am sure there is tons more to say, but I am too tired to think of them. I hope I have not brought you down too much. If I did, my bad....

Pro/Con Lists

So I am the type of person who likes to make a pro/con list for major decisions of life. So far they have proved to be great decision makers. It helped me decide where I should move and such things as that. Now I have 3 new pro/con lists just to see who I should ask to a wedding. All 3 guys are good guys and I love each one dearly. I have to honest tho one dude's list started off with cons and ended up having so many cons that it went to the back side of the paper with like 5 pros. I do have to say tho he has the best pro out of all 3 of them. I actually like this guy.  So that should count for more than one pro, but it is just one pro. As far as the other 2 they are just  friends. It just amazes me how no matter how guy number 2 actually won the pro/con list challenge, I still have not made my decision. As much as I want to go with number 2 since he won, I just keep hesitating. I really want to go with number 3, but I know I will be rejected and this is not his thing at all. Number 1 will go, but he really isn't my 1st choice. I keep hiding on making my decision because I really don't want to make it. I just want number 3 to get his act together and want to do this wedding thing and have a good time and not just sit around and be all mopey. I want to have some fun and be with him since I like him. I have to stay true to my system. I can't deviate now. It has always been so reliable to me. So decision time, so I ask number 2 because my lists told me to or do I go with who I like and possibly be rejected or go with number 1 cause well it's number 1 and I know I will have tons of fun and dance and have great pics with him. Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!!! What is a girl to do?!

31 and counting

So I just turned 31 and I am really happy to be the age that I am. Don't get me wrong I do wish I was a kid from time to time. I don't want to have the adult worries that I have, but such as life. Anyway, I love being 31. I feel like I have been learning a lot since I have turned 30. I do notice a transition in my life where a lot of my priorities have changed. I think I am transitioning myself to a different place in life. I think I am finding who I am again and what I contribute to this world. I lost myself a while ago and I have to get me back. I am working toward that.

Now that my birthday has officially past I have a lot to think about. I gave myself the deadline of this bday to see if I had even a glimpse of hope finding a job here in the Chicago land area and if not, then I would take a huge leap and move out to California. I have family out there, so I have a place to stay. So I have been looking for work there as well as here. Well no job and I don't feel like there is really a lot hope in that. So I guess I am going to California. Wow it is amazing to even type that. I am so nervous and excited at the same time. I don't know what I am going to do over there. I have time to find a job there, so I am not to worried about it. It is going to be weird moving away like this. I will be away from my immediate family, but at least with family and I would have to start over when it comes to friends. The last time I was there I didn't really make any friends and to be honest it was hell for me, maybe this time will be different. I will miss the friends I have here, but I have to do what I have to do. I don't know what I will be doing, but the thought of it is very exciting to me. I need something new, but something I am familiar with as well. I know it sound strange, but I am a strange person.  What shall happen in California? Will I find a job? Will it be just as much of a struggle as it is here? Who knows, but I can't wait to find out.

I have to say though I thought by this age I would have it together. I thought I would have a great job with no signs of being laid off, but I guess that wasn't in the cards for me. I would love my career already where I can travel the world and live out of my suitcase and be home only on weekends. I love that life and I want it before I get married and have kids. I will still travel for work, but I will also be a good wife and mother. I would make it to all the sporting events cause all my kids are boys and still say good night no matter where I am. I love being that power professional and doing it big like that. I am just trying to be patient until I get there. Now in having this great life I would have to sacrifice a lot at the same time. I couldn't do all the church stuff that I do and I def wouldn't be able to see my friends, but what is new there. I don't spend time with them that much now. I would miss my church stuff because I do have a passion for it. I would miss my friends cause they do mean a lot to me. It's the life I have always dreamed of and I would like to experience at least for a little while.

There have been so many dreams when it comes to my career and I just want one of them to work out for me. I know I have to start making some moves here, so here I go. 31 is a new beginning for me and I can't wait to see what it has to bring.