Pro/Con Lists

So I am the type of person who likes to make a pro/con list for major decisions of life. So far they have proved to be great decision makers. It helped me decide where I should move and such things as that. Now I have 3 new pro/con lists just to see who I should ask to a wedding. All 3 guys are good guys and I love each one dearly. I have to honest tho one dude's list started off with cons and ended up having so many cons that it went to the back side of the paper with like 5 pros. I do have to say tho he has the best pro out of all 3 of them. I actually like this guy.  So that should count for more than one pro, but it is just one pro. As far as the other 2 they are just  friends. It just amazes me how no matter how guy number 2 actually won the pro/con list challenge, I still have not made my decision. As much as I want to go with number 2 since he won, I just keep hesitating. I really want to go with number 3, but I know I will be rejected and this is not his thing at all. Number 1 will go, but he really isn't my 1st choice. I keep hiding on making my decision because I really don't want to make it. I just want number 3 to get his act together and want to do this wedding thing and have a good time and not just sit around and be all mopey. I want to have some fun and be with him since I like him. I have to stay true to my system. I can't deviate now. It has always been so reliable to me. So decision time, so I ask number 2 because my lists told me to or do I go with who I like and possibly be rejected or go with number 1 cause well it's number 1 and I know I will have tons of fun and dance and have great pics with him. Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!!! What is a girl to do?!

31 and counting

So I just turned 31 and I am really happy to be the age that I am. Don't get me wrong I do wish I was a kid from time to time. I don't want to have the adult worries that I have, but such as life. Anyway, I love being 31. I feel like I have been learning a lot since I have turned 30. I do notice a transition in my life where a lot of my priorities have changed. I think I am transitioning myself to a different place in life. I think I am finding who I am again and what I contribute to this world. I lost myself a while ago and I have to get me back. I am working toward that.

Now that my birthday has officially past I have a lot to think about. I gave myself the deadline of this bday to see if I had even a glimpse of hope finding a job here in the Chicago land area and if not, then I would take a huge leap and move out to California. I have family out there, so I have a place to stay. So I have been looking for work there as well as here. Well no job and I don't feel like there is really a lot hope in that. So I guess I am going to California. Wow it is amazing to even type that. I am so nervous and excited at the same time. I don't know what I am going to do over there. I have time to find a job there, so I am not to worried about it. It is going to be weird moving away like this. I will be away from my immediate family, but at least with family and I would have to start over when it comes to friends. The last time I was there I didn't really make any friends and to be honest it was hell for me, maybe this time will be different. I will miss the friends I have here, but I have to do what I have to do. I don't know what I will be doing, but the thought of it is very exciting to me. I need something new, but something I am familiar with as well. I know it sound strange, but I am a strange person.  What shall happen in California? Will I find a job? Will it be just as much of a struggle as it is here? Who knows, but I can't wait to find out.

I have to say though I thought by this age I would have it together. I thought I would have a great job with no signs of being laid off, but I guess that wasn't in the cards for me. I would love my career already where I can travel the world and live out of my suitcase and be home only on weekends. I love that life and I want it before I get married and have kids. I will still travel for work, but I will also be a good wife and mother. I would make it to all the sporting events cause all my kids are boys and still say good night no matter where I am. I love being that power professional and doing it big like that. I am just trying to be patient until I get there. Now in having this great life I would have to sacrifice a lot at the same time. I couldn't do all the church stuff that I do and I def wouldn't be able to see my friends, but what is new there. I don't spend time with them that much now. I would miss my church stuff because I do have a passion for it. I would miss my friends cause they do mean a lot to me. It's the life I have always dreamed of and I would like to experience at least for a little while.

There have been so many dreams when it comes to my career and I just want one of them to work out for me. I know I have to start making some moves here, so here I go. 31 is a new beginning for me and I can't wait to see what it has to bring.

Potential

So yeah here I go again.  I see so much potential in you dude, I don't know how to show that to you. I believe in you and I believe that you believe in yourself when it comes to your comfort level, but not when it is something outside of your comfy box you don't see the greatness in you! I care about you so much and I don't even think you realize exactly how much I really care! How much I want to help you get to that next level and help you see the real you that I see on a daily despite all of your grumpiness and fussiness. I see the good parts of you that no one else gets to see, but lately you have been just showing me what others see. I don't really appreciate that, but hey what can I do about that. I am trying to push you to do some stuff that in the long run is going to help you succeed in your future endeavors. I know that company of yours will be great and will prosper and be in the top of the fortune 500 one day. I can see it and I can see you getting there and I see you in your suits networking and presenting your proposals and doing your actual job with such excellence. It's not even the job aspect I am talking about I am also talking about your personal life. I know you will be a great man, husband and father. You have to let yourself be open to grow in those areas. I just want to support you and be there for you and all I feel is nothing but resistance from you. I am not sure why you are so resistant to me and why you won't let me be there or even help you. I know I am a girl, but what does that have to do with anything. Don't let pride get in the way of something that quite possibly can be God putting  in your life to grow or to get help from. I believe God puts people in our lives for reasons that I am not really sure of, but that is what He does. I am in your life for some reason and it is not for what happened before. It has to be something that has to do with your future. I really don't know and to be honest it really breaks my heart. First of all I didn't think that I could be so involved with you and wanting you to grow and such things. I didn't realize that you really made your way into my heart the way you did. I am super surprised and shocked. Please don't get it twisted, I am not in love with you by any means. I do love you as a person and as my friend and maybe even a little deeper, but  I am NOT in love with you. How can you be so young and yet so set in your ways that are not necessarily good ways that you learned by your environment. I can show you so many great things that will open your eyes and your world to show you that it doesn't have to be one way or the other. There are options out there. I see so many blessings coming your way, but it is you blocking them from yourself cause you are so stubborn and won't grow out of this stupid set ways. I am stubborn to and I know I have learning and growing to do too and I am trying. I just know you can make it and make it BIG!!! I want to be there when you make it like that cause I want to be able to tell people how you went from where you came from to where you at now! I would be so proud of you, shoot I am proud of you now when you do your thing. I am like there goes my friend doing his job and doing it well. I tell people all the time now that was my friend who did....

You know I can't believe that here I go again trying to be a good friend and good encourager and so on with someone, who yet again doesn't let me in. Doesn't share how he feels at all. Just fusses or says little comments, even though you don't really make little comments, but you still are the same guy all over again. I promised myself that wasn't going to do that again with another guy. I love the first guy with all of my heart. He is an old friend and I had to work hard to be where I am with him and I don't know if I can do the same with you. It hurt me so much these past many years. I invested so much in him and I still don't believe that he truly invested in me the same way. I don't want that with you. It just seems that I am going down the same path again. I am not really sure what it is with me on trying to invest in people who don't invest back! Anyway that is all I really have to say to you for now. Until next time!

2011 Has Got To Be Better than 2010

Hello again,

So this time 2009 I was super excited because I thought 2010 is going to be the best year yet!!! Well how WRONG was I on that thought. This has got to be the worst year EVER!!! I figured I would find a great job and be saving some money for a house and heck even maybe have a cool bf in my life. Well none of that happened. Of course that is what I get for being so excited about things like that. Mind you the bf part didn't really matter to me as much as getting that great job, saving some money, upgrading the house and all that jazz. Now it's not like I stayed at home and did nothing, actually it was quite the opposite. I ended up working at church as a volunteer and I love every minute of it. It was really hard work, trust me, but it is all worth it. Church part like I said is really hard, but awesome things came out of it. I ended up being promoted to the Props and Stage Crew Director and that has been a very interesting adventure.  Anyway, I will get back to church later.

2010 sucked big time! Now it is 2011 and it is really hard for me to get excited about it. I am still looking for work and it looks like it may not happen at least here in the Midwest.  I need something to happen real soon. I feel like I am losing all hope in a new job. I never thought I would be out of work for so long. I am thinking it may be better if I moved away and started in a new place with a new lease on life. I don't know. I was really thinking on going to California the devil state. I hate it there, but I have family there and I have a place to live. I really would like to move to NYC and see what I can do there, but I am not confident enough in me to say I am going to make it when I have no where to live. I think it would be awesome to move there and have an exciting life in the Concrete Jungle. NYC has been the place of my dreams forever!!!  One day I will make it there and heck maybe even live there. Now I am  just trying to get by and I am not really making it.  Hopefully, California helps me make it through. 2011 please be better than 2010!!! I need something to start going right or I am not sure what I will do. I am not trying to be Debbie Downer, but that is just how I am feeling lately. Plus I am feeling lonely, so that doesn't help either. Well that is enough of lonely talk until maybe the next blog. Well I guess that is all considering I have been working on this post for like weeks now. Until I blog again...deuces!

This is my 1st

Ok, so this is my first blog and I am really nervous. I am a blog virgin and now my cherry has been popped.  I am really excited. So anyway, today has been an interesting day thus far. It is 2:40am and I have 6am prayer and I am not even tired. I have so much on my mind. I think I am going to start off with figuring out who I am and what I really want in life. I of course want what God wants for me. I have always seen myself as the executive person flying all over the world for work and still having a great family. I can video chat with my kids when I am not there, but also never miss a baseball game or football game my son is in. I am only having boys. It just seems that right now it is not going to happen. I can't even seem to get a normal job in my profession. Even to be an assistant now a days requires a degree. I don't have that, but I have so much experience and yet no one will even look at my resume cause I don't have the little piece of paper. I know what you are thinking, just go back to school, but I can't afford it and unless it is free right now I won't be going back. Once I have a job and all that I can go back. It just seems like it is not going to work out for me, but I am optimistic cause I know God has a plan and He is going to work it all out for me and I just have to push forward and apply and be patient. As far as who I really am, I am still trying to figure that out. I am learning more things about myself via my friends and family. I have serious control issues and I am working on it. I don't let people help me as much as I should and I am working on that too. It is just hard to let people do things for me. I like to serve others, but I am not a fan of people serving me. I love to be there for people and be a person they can come to no matter what. It is really hard for me to go to others and I believe that this year I have been learning how to go to others no matter how difficult it is for me. I don't like asking for help. I think it is because i have always had to be the person with the answers and be the rock when everyone else fell apart. Now that is my turn to be the one to ask, I can't. I am doing the best I can tho. I know I have a long way to go, but at least I know it and I am willing to change it up. Anyway, I guess that is all for now. I will have more to write later on. I at least wanted to get started.