Failure in Progess

It's been a really long time since I have done a new post. It's weird to be back on. I am not really sure why! I have had so many thoughts and emotions that I should have been blogging. Oh well, I guess. Anyway, so lots of things have happened since the last time I wrote. Let's see, I moved back in with my dad cause I can't afford to be on my own anymore. That really sucks. I have always loved my independence and now it it pretty much gone. On so many levels I just feel like a failure and I feel like success isn't coming anytime soon. I have failed and I hate failing and I know everyone hates to fail, so I am not the only one, but I failed for two people. I know the other person is an adult and everything, but if I had my act together we would still be in the apartment and not struggling as bad. I feel like I failed her especially when failing wasn't an option. Like I said I know she is an adult and she can find her way where ever and I don't have to feel responsible for her in anyway, but I feel like I was able to be a place where she can rest a while and not have to worry about where to go or what to do next. Make her feel like she has a good home and a good family foundation. I just let all that fall apart and it is all my fault and I accept responsibility for it. Anyway, I know she is going to be GREAT and all things are going to work out for her and all this struggle is going to be an awesome testimony for her. She is too awesome of a woman of God not have that victory!  So, coming back home I think has shown my family that they are right, I can't take care of myself. Don't get me wrong they love me and they are a great support system and were really there for me for the move and everything. I just think they look at me the way they used to when I was way younger. It seems like I know nothing all over again and I am like 10 again. It's not cool, but I guess I must endure.

You know what else makes me feel like I fail at life. Getting made fun of for everything I say or do. Just because I don't like something, it doesn't mean it's wrong or anything like that. I do things somewhat different from other people, but that is what makes me an individual. Just because I do it differently than you doesn't mean that your way is better than my way. It doesn't make you more of a person or better of a person. I deal with things differently I process things in my own way. I don't know why, but you don't have to try and make me feel like it's a bad thing or I am a bad person. Why isn't what I say or do good enough? Is it that they look down at me cause I am not like them, so I am not as knowledgeable, so in turn what I have to say or do means less?! Who knows, I could just be sensitive at the same time. I don't find myself to be all that sensitive, but maybe I am. Maybe it's one more thing I need to work on.

Failing sucks!!! I hate that I am such a failure that no one wants to hire me. It's been almost 2 years now and nothing. You know I am a hard worker. I throw myself into my work. Ask anyone who truly knows me and they will tell you I tend to work all the time when I had a job. I would work 24/7 and love every minute. I work on my vacations, it's who I am. So of course I don't let lack of a paying job to stop me from immersing myself in some type of work. So what better work than God's work. So here I go again, jumping and staying in and getting things done and loving it cause I have a passion for what I do for the Lord. He gave me that passion and I love it and I want to do it as long as He wants me to. I spend every moment I can cause I have a responsibility to what I do and I know that my team needs a break and I need to build a team that can be so dedicated that I don't have to be there as much and I know it will come. It takes a while for that and I am trying to be patient for it! I love my team and I love what we do together cause I can't do it without them. They are the bomb!!! I love to serve and I will always serve, but I also know that it may be time for a break soon. It does get a little tiring when all the work really goes on the same people all the time. We need more people to step it up to release us to do other things. Maybe me feeling this way is another moment of failure, I am not sure, but I really don't feel like claiming that.  I just need that job I am suppose to have full time, benefits knows the importance of a good work/life balance. It just seems like it's not going to to happen.
There is a great eye dr. place that I think I could like but it's part time, saturdays, no benefits. Am I being to picky? I am being to arrogant? What am I doing so wrong that I can't get the job I want. I wish I knew the answers. I wish I could figure it out.

Quick side note: How do I have almost 8,000 songs and I can't find a single good one right now...lol!

Back to failing....

Well I am failing so much now a days that I can't make a relationship work. I try to be a great girlfriend, friend, daughter and sister, but apparently I am not. Let me start with the girlfriend. Not that I was planning on marrying the kid  or anything, but being broken up with via text I might add kinda sucks. I try and be there when he really needed someone to support and just be there and I know I was, there is no doubt about that. When it's my turn it didn't quite happen that way. It was easier to wimp out and say don't let this get you down. The sad part of all of this is I actually miss the guy. I am not sure why. Even when we were together I felt just as alone as I feel at this moment. He clearly has some growing to do and experience on how to be a  boyfriend to someone, but I gave a chance not once, but twice and shame on me for the second time. I knew it would happen in my head, but I still went against my gut and said let's try this again. Well there is no third time here. I can't do that to me and  he doesn't deserve it.  I wish him the best of course and I pray that he finds that one girl for him and he learns how to treat her right and not let her go.  It does seem like he is getting comfortable with me again and I don't think I am ready for that comfort level yet. It still hurts to see him at times and I am finally getting some distance from him. It's my processing time and not wanting to choke him time.

Ok, so now to the daughter/sister role. I just suck all around. I never see my family and they don't like it. I am apparently too busy with my volunteer stuff to really be with them. They just don't get it. They don't get that throwing myself into that "job" is the only true thing keeping me sane. However, when they need me I am there. I do the tuition thing, book thing. Taking people to dr's and such, but I am still failing at being a daughter/sister. What can a girl do?!

Now I am failing as a friend, well at least that is what people are telling me and yet again they are not quite understanding what my family is not understanding as well. I know I can make time for people, but it's hard for me at this moment and time. I deal with things on my own and when I know that you are not really going to understand what I am going through, I just don't bother telling you cause there is not point cause all you will do is try and argue with me. There are some I can't trust anymore cause they have burned me so many times before and I try to learn from those burns. Others are really great and I love them so much that me being such a debbie downer isn't conducive to a great friendship, so I keep my distance until I know I won't be such a downer. I know misery loves company, but it's not fair to bring them down and I would rather be alone in my misery.  I can't help it if I am "mean" at times. I try not to be mean, but I guess it happens cause I may not sugar coat something you didn't want to hear in the first place. To be a good friend, sometimes you have to say things that your friends may not like or want to hear, but they deserve the truth. I can only be sensitive for so long to your emotional needs. If you are going to always want me to tell you what you want to hear, then I am not the one for you. Find another friend who will do that. I am sorry I can't always make the stuff you invite me to, but trust me when I say I really do try to make events and just fun hang outs, but it's hard when there is tons of stuff that needs to get done. I am always going to be there for you when you need me and I have proven that time and time again. When the time is right I will be back around more often, just give me some time and if you can't that is ok too. I will totally understand.

Well I guess I am done with all my failing rants, I am sure there is tons more to say, but I am too tired to think of them. I hope I have not brought you down too much. If I did, my bad....

Pro/Con Lists

So I am the type of person who likes to make a pro/con list for major decisions of life. So far they have proved to be great decision makers. It helped me decide where I should move and such things as that. Now I have 3 new pro/con lists just to see who I should ask to a wedding. All 3 guys are good guys and I love each one dearly. I have to honest tho one dude's list started off with cons and ended up having so many cons that it went to the back side of the paper with like 5 pros. I do have to say tho he has the best pro out of all 3 of them. I actually like this guy.  So that should count for more than one pro, but it is just one pro. As far as the other 2 they are just  friends. It just amazes me how no matter how guy number 2 actually won the pro/con list challenge, I still have not made my decision. As much as I want to go with number 2 since he won, I just keep hesitating. I really want to go with number 3, but I know I will be rejected and this is not his thing at all. Number 1 will go, but he really isn't my 1st choice. I keep hiding on making my decision because I really don't want to make it. I just want number 3 to get his act together and want to do this wedding thing and have a good time and not just sit around and be all mopey. I want to have some fun and be with him since I like him. I have to stay true to my system. I can't deviate now. It has always been so reliable to me. So decision time, so I ask number 2 because my lists told me to or do I go with who I like and possibly be rejected or go with number 1 cause well it's number 1 and I know I will have tons of fun and dance and have great pics with him. Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!!! What is a girl to do?!

31 and counting

So I just turned 31 and I am really happy to be the age that I am. Don't get me wrong I do wish I was a kid from time to time. I don't want to have the adult worries that I have, but such as life. Anyway, I love being 31. I feel like I have been learning a lot since I have turned 30. I do notice a transition in my life where a lot of my priorities have changed. I think I am transitioning myself to a different place in life. I think I am finding who I am again and what I contribute to this world. I lost myself a while ago and I have to get me back. I am working toward that.

Now that my birthday has officially past I have a lot to think about. I gave myself the deadline of this bday to see if I had even a glimpse of hope finding a job here in the Chicago land area and if not, then I would take a huge leap and move out to California. I have family out there, so I have a place to stay. So I have been looking for work there as well as here. Well no job and I don't feel like there is really a lot hope in that. So I guess I am going to California. Wow it is amazing to even type that. I am so nervous and excited at the same time. I don't know what I am going to do over there. I have time to find a job there, so I am not to worried about it. It is going to be weird moving away like this. I will be away from my immediate family, but at least with family and I would have to start over when it comes to friends. The last time I was there I didn't really make any friends and to be honest it was hell for me, maybe this time will be different. I will miss the friends I have here, but I have to do what I have to do. I don't know what I will be doing, but the thought of it is very exciting to me. I need something new, but something I am familiar with as well. I know it sound strange, but I am a strange person.  What shall happen in California? Will I find a job? Will it be just as much of a struggle as it is here? Who knows, but I can't wait to find out.

I have to say though I thought by this age I would have it together. I thought I would have a great job with no signs of being laid off, but I guess that wasn't in the cards for me. I would love my career already where I can travel the world and live out of my suitcase and be home only on weekends. I love that life and I want it before I get married and have kids. I will still travel for work, but I will also be a good wife and mother. I would make it to all the sporting events cause all my kids are boys and still say good night no matter where I am. I love being that power professional and doing it big like that. I am just trying to be patient until I get there. Now in having this great life I would have to sacrifice a lot at the same time. I couldn't do all the church stuff that I do and I def wouldn't be able to see my friends, but what is new there. I don't spend time with them that much now. I would miss my church stuff because I do have a passion for it. I would miss my friends cause they do mean a lot to me. It's the life I have always dreamed of and I would like to experience at least for a little while.

There have been so many dreams when it comes to my career and I just want one of them to work out for me. I know I have to start making some moves here, so here I go. 31 is a new beginning for me and I can't wait to see what it has to bring.

Potential

So yeah here I go again.  I see so much potential in you dude, I don't know how to show that to you. I believe in you and I believe that you believe in yourself when it comes to your comfort level, but not when it is something outside of your comfy box you don't see the greatness in you! I care about you so much and I don't even think you realize exactly how much I really care! How much I want to help you get to that next level and help you see the real you that I see on a daily despite all of your grumpiness and fussiness. I see the good parts of you that no one else gets to see, but lately you have been just showing me what others see. I don't really appreciate that, but hey what can I do about that. I am trying to push you to do some stuff that in the long run is going to help you succeed in your future endeavors. I know that company of yours will be great and will prosper and be in the top of the fortune 500 one day. I can see it and I can see you getting there and I see you in your suits networking and presenting your proposals and doing your actual job with such excellence. It's not even the job aspect I am talking about I am also talking about your personal life. I know you will be a great man, husband and father. You have to let yourself be open to grow in those areas. I just want to support you and be there for you and all I feel is nothing but resistance from you. I am not sure why you are so resistant to me and why you won't let me be there or even help you. I know I am a girl, but what does that have to do with anything. Don't let pride get in the way of something that quite possibly can be God putting  in your life to grow or to get help from. I believe God puts people in our lives for reasons that I am not really sure of, but that is what He does. I am in your life for some reason and it is not for what happened before. It has to be something that has to do with your future. I really don't know and to be honest it really breaks my heart. First of all I didn't think that I could be so involved with you and wanting you to grow and such things. I didn't realize that you really made your way into my heart the way you did. I am super surprised and shocked. Please don't get it twisted, I am not in love with you by any means. I do love you as a person and as my friend and maybe even a little deeper, but  I am NOT in love with you. How can you be so young and yet so set in your ways that are not necessarily good ways that you learned by your environment. I can show you so many great things that will open your eyes and your world to show you that it doesn't have to be one way or the other. There are options out there. I see so many blessings coming your way, but it is you blocking them from yourself cause you are so stubborn and won't grow out of this stupid set ways. I am stubborn to and I know I have learning and growing to do too and I am trying. I just know you can make it and make it BIG!!! I want to be there when you make it like that cause I want to be able to tell people how you went from where you came from to where you at now! I would be so proud of you, shoot I am proud of you now when you do your thing. I am like there goes my friend doing his job and doing it well. I tell people all the time now that was my friend who did....

You know I can't believe that here I go again trying to be a good friend and good encourager and so on with someone, who yet again doesn't let me in. Doesn't share how he feels at all. Just fusses or says little comments, even though you don't really make little comments, but you still are the same guy all over again. I promised myself that wasn't going to do that again with another guy. I love the first guy with all of my heart. He is an old friend and I had to work hard to be where I am with him and I don't know if I can do the same with you. It hurt me so much these past many years. I invested so much in him and I still don't believe that he truly invested in me the same way. I don't want that with you. It just seems that I am going down the same path again. I am not really sure what it is with me on trying to invest in people who don't invest back! Anyway that is all I really have to say to you for now. Until next time!

2011 Has Got To Be Better than 2010

Hello again,

So this time 2009 I was super excited because I thought 2010 is going to be the best year yet!!! Well how WRONG was I on that thought. This has got to be the worst year EVER!!! I figured I would find a great job and be saving some money for a house and heck even maybe have a cool bf in my life. Well none of that happened. Of course that is what I get for being so excited about things like that. Mind you the bf part didn't really matter to me as much as getting that great job, saving some money, upgrading the house and all that jazz. Now it's not like I stayed at home and did nothing, actually it was quite the opposite. I ended up working at church as a volunteer and I love every minute of it. It was really hard work, trust me, but it is all worth it. Church part like I said is really hard, but awesome things came out of it. I ended up being promoted to the Props and Stage Crew Director and that has been a very interesting adventure.  Anyway, I will get back to church later.

2010 sucked big time! Now it is 2011 and it is really hard for me to get excited about it. I am still looking for work and it looks like it may not happen at least here in the Midwest.  I need something to happen real soon. I feel like I am losing all hope in a new job. I never thought I would be out of work for so long. I am thinking it may be better if I moved away and started in a new place with a new lease on life. I don't know. I was really thinking on going to California the devil state. I hate it there, but I have family there and I have a place to live. I really would like to move to NYC and see what I can do there, but I am not confident enough in me to say I am going to make it when I have no where to live. I think it would be awesome to move there and have an exciting life in the Concrete Jungle. NYC has been the place of my dreams forever!!!  One day I will make it there and heck maybe even live there. Now I am  just trying to get by and I am not really making it.  Hopefully, California helps me make it through. 2011 please be better than 2010!!! I need something to start going right or I am not sure what I will do. I am not trying to be Debbie Downer, but that is just how I am feeling lately. Plus I am feeling lonely, so that doesn't help either. Well that is enough of lonely talk until maybe the next blog. Well I guess that is all considering I have been working on this post for like weeks now. Until I blog again...deuces!

This is my 1st

Ok, so this is my first blog and I am really nervous. I am a blog virgin and now my cherry has been popped.  I am really excited. So anyway, today has been an interesting day thus far. It is 2:40am and I have 6am prayer and I am not even tired. I have so much on my mind. I think I am going to start off with figuring out who I am and what I really want in life. I of course want what God wants for me. I have always seen myself as the executive person flying all over the world for work and still having a great family. I can video chat with my kids when I am not there, but also never miss a baseball game or football game my son is in. I am only having boys. It just seems that right now it is not going to happen. I can't even seem to get a normal job in my profession. Even to be an assistant now a days requires a degree. I don't have that, but I have so much experience and yet no one will even look at my resume cause I don't have the little piece of paper. I know what you are thinking, just go back to school, but I can't afford it and unless it is free right now I won't be going back. Once I have a job and all that I can go back. It just seems like it is not going to work out for me, but I am optimistic cause I know God has a plan and He is going to work it all out for me and I just have to push forward and apply and be patient. As far as who I really am, I am still trying to figure that out. I am learning more things about myself via my friends and family. I have serious control issues and I am working on it. I don't let people help me as much as I should and I am working on that too. It is just hard to let people do things for me. I like to serve others, but I am not a fan of people serving me. I love to be there for people and be a person they can come to no matter what. It is really hard for me to go to others and I believe that this year I have been learning how to go to others no matter how difficult it is for me. I don't like asking for help. I think it is because i have always had to be the person with the answers and be the rock when everyone else fell apart. Now that is my turn to be the one to ask, I can't. I am doing the best I can tho. I know I have a long way to go, but at least I know it and I am willing to change it up. Anyway, I guess that is all for now. I will have more to write later on. I at least wanted to get started.